The Ten People You (unfortunately) Meet at Christmas Parties

I’m sorry, but I had to compile yet another list of things.  Lists allow me to organize otherwise inane things in life, so, here it is: a list of people I’ve met over the past few weeks at numerous Christmas parties I’ve attended (at Trent and other places in my shrinking social circle).  I hope you relate, since my stereotypical nature can get the better of me.  Urgh…

05_Flatbed_1 - DECEMBER

Memories of Good Tidings

1.  The Socially Inept Butterfly:  Sometimes the hostess of the party, the Socially Inept Butterfly circulates the room and talks to everyone and anyone.  They have no idea what they (or anyone else) is talking about, but decide to join in on every conversation, adding nothing – nil – to the actual conversation, except for an introductory and departing “Merry Christmas.”  May use clichés to get through regular conversation.  Is awkward as #5.

2. The Old Man Who Sits There and Drinks a lot: You all know one.  He just sits there – in a chair or on some piece of random furniture – and drinks all night.  He does not slur or come of as drunk, but is entirely without perception of his surroundings.  No one knows why he was invited.  He is just there.  He may be Santa.

3.  The Horrible Holiday Shirt-Wearing Uncle:  He is not joking with the shirt.  He wears a holiday shirt that is so fabulously horrendous it functions as an ice-breaker to everyone he meets.

Guest: “Boy, (name of the uncle), your shirt is absolutely horrible!

Uncle: Hell yeah! … trails off into a fabulously random and enjoyable conversation.

May also be Santa

4.  The Complainer:  Sometimes, at student parties, this is the English Student.  The Complainer is anyone who circulates the room only to bring with them some terrible news about their life.  In the case of the English Student, the complainer finds a means to disparage all things about their program, their professors, and themselves.  They also find the food, drink, and general good tidings of the room as a conduit for their savage complaints.

5. The Couple that Cannot Separate: Even for a moment.  Paranoid penguins.

6. The Well-wisher.  When the Well-wisher meets the Complainer the two are like a tug-o-war between positive and negative ions.  The Well-wisher truly means well, but cannot see past their blind optimism.  Most guests just drink through their rhetoric, enjoying jokes afterwards about something they said (or something about them).

7. The Narcissistic Academic: Especially found at university christmas parties.  The Narcissistic Academic takes the opportunity to talk about some thesis or another they are writing in order to flash their flashy ideas around.  They verbally smote guests who cannot give a frak about their ideas and tend leave early.

8.  The Girlfriends Who Never Separate:  Like tiny particles orbiting a nucleus, these women look-alike, talk alike, and spend the evening BBMing each other about everyone else in the party.  Crazy chickas.

9. The Children:  Christmas parties are never complete without their gangs of little people.  These people, referred to as Children, eat anything with large amounts of sugar, hog present opening time, fall asleep far too early in the evening, and generally annoy everyone.

10. The Cat: There is always one, for some reason.  The Cat generally avoids everyone, but sometimes leaps into the crowd and finds their way to the tuna hor d’oeuvres.  The Cat especially avoids the Children. He may also be Santa.


Bitchin’ Kitten

Yet another list, why not?

A checklist for things that one encounters during the season:

! Holiday Trees that dance and sing in a disturbing manner.


Batsh*t Crazy

! Carbohydrates – everywhere.


Ho ho Holy Shit.

! Alcohol – everywhere.


Ho ho ho

! Illness – everywhere.

! Angry, Unhinged Parents – everywhere.

! Psychotic Christmas carol replays.

! Psychotic Christmas movie replays.

Anyways, Merry Christmas yet again.

About dontpanictrent

DON'T PANIC: A Trent Graduate Student Blog

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